and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
