i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
