she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
