I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
