and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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