I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
