i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
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Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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