There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
