you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
