One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
