I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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