Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
