I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
