Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
