I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
