everyone is single if you try hard enough
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
