I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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