I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
