When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
