Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
