The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
