i think i have two assholes
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
