she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
