I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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