I am in a vortex of obligation.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
