i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
