mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
