What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
