I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
