i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
