my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
