My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Oh god it's open bar.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
