Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
