At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
