OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
