Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
