Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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