He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
