Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
