So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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