Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
