I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
