you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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