took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
