Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
