You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
