remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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