if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
