Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
