Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
