He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So many bounce houses so little time
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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