Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
