soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
