it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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