I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What drink are we having for lunch?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
