i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
